How To Deal With An Unreasonable Mother-In-Law

Dealing with a toxic mother-in-law can be frustrating and confusing. You might wonder what you’ve done to deserve her hatred or if there’s anything you can do to make her like you.

Thankfully, there’s a lot you can do to address this situation, even if you can’t control her behavior. This article is here to help you find common ground with your mother-in-law, set boundaries if she is mistreating you, and protect your mental health.

After following these tips, you’ll likely see an improvement in how you feel about the situation, no matter how your mother-in-law responds.

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There are several red flags to watch out for

It can be hard to accept that your mother-in-law doesn’t like you if you haven’t done anything wrong. Unfortunately, it’s possible that she doesn’t like you for reasons completely out of your control. She might be dealing with personal issues of her own, resulting in toxic or hateful behavior. If you’re not sure, here are some signs that your mother-in-law might be toxic:

• She dismisses your point of view
• She expects you to do everything she wants
• She badmouths you to other people
• She holds grudges against you
• She makes you feel rejected or excluded at family gatherings
• She is manipulative and plays mind games
• She’s not interested in getting to know you
• She doubts your intentions or assumes the worst of you
• She tries to control your behavior or your relationship with her adult child
• She undermines your authority as a parent

How to take control of the situation

Set boundaries and stick to them

Setting boundaries can help you gain control over the situation. Let your mother-in-law know when she has crossed a line, and don’t be afraid to kindly, but firmly, stick up for yourself. This can help you establish some ground rules regarding how involved your mother-in-law is in your life, your relationship with your partner, and your parenting decisions.[3]

• Perhaps your mother-in-law wants to come over multiple times a week, but you’re not comfortable with that. You could say, “How about we schedule dinner at our house once a week?”
• If she presses you to come over more often, simply say, “Our schedule is pretty hectic throughout the week. Once a week would work best for us.”

Address the issue with your partner in a gentle manner

Your partner might be able to give you some help and support. Let your partner know how your mother-in-law’s treatment is affecting you in a respectful, non-accusatory manner. To do this, use I-statements and address your mother-in-law’s behavior (not her character).[4] This will help your partner become more aware of the issue, and they might end up coming to your defense next time your mother-in-law is out of line.

• You might say, “When your mom disregards my authority in front of our kids, it makes me feel a little disrespected. I understand that she is their grandmother, but my perspective matters, too.”
• If you need to vent, talk to a friend or trusted family member first. That way, you can let out your feelings without saying anything you might regret. You can also try journaling to express your emotions in private.

Talk to your mother-in-law kindly, but directly

It might be worth it to ask why she is treating you this way. Before you do this, assess whether you’re ready to hear what she might have to say. If you think you can handle it, talk to her privately and ask if she could tell you why she is upset with you. This gives the two of you a chance to connect and air your grievances. It can also help you address any misunderstandings that might be influencing her behavior.[6]

• You might say, “Last time I came over, you seemed a little frustrated with me. I really would like us to get along, and I was wondering if there was anything that I did that might have upset you?”
• If she says no or seems unwilling to have a respectful conversation, let the subject go. Getting into a heated exchange might not help the situation, and you’re under no obligation to listen to her insult you if that’s how she responds.

Limit the time you spend with her if she is mistreating you

Sometimes, it’s just not feasible to spend time with your mother-in-law. If she is particularly unkind or toxic, it might be best to keep your interactions to a minimum. You can do this by remaining friendly but limiting your interactions to small talk, having a clear start and end time set for your engagements, and even opting out of family gatherings when you’re not feeling up to it.[8]

• You might try sitting at the opposite end of the table as your mother-in-law during family dinners. Say hi and be nice, but spend most of your time talking to other family members.
• Politely let your mother-in-law know that you have a previous engagement if you can’t or don’t want to attend a family gathering.

You can’t control her behavior, but you can control how it affects you

Anytime your mother-in-law does something to get a rise out of you or hurt your feelings, remind yourself that her treatment is not a reflection of who you are. If you remember this, it may get easier to get through interactions with her without feeling guilty or bad about yourself.[11]

• Next time your mother-in-law says something rude, you might think, “That’s just how my mother-in-law treats people. It is not a reflection of me” or “That wasn’t a very nice thing to say, but it has nothing to do with who I am.”
• It might be beneficial to practice mindfulness. This can help you focus on your surroundings and the present moment anytime thoughts about your mother-in-law are distracting or upsetting you.

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