Young Man, No Free Lunch From Older Lover! Hustle!

Late in January this year, we read the story of a man in Kenya who committed suicide. He had returned home late, but his older lover, who had been housing and feeding him for some months now refused to open the door for him.

He subsequently went behind her house and hanged himself. He left a suicide note: “Ntinyari (the name of his lover), you are the reason why I have decided to kill myself because I cannot live without you…”

The deceased man, identified as David Mbijiwe, was 41 years old. According to the report, David was being “kept” by the woman, who is way older than him, according to a neighbour. A little digression, times have changed. In those days, it was not common to see couples where the woman was older.

Long before I got married, there two were things I knew I would never do. One was marrying older woman. I had a friend, Helen, also from Bendel State (Edo and Delta States) who really wanted to marry me. She was educated, nice and beautiful, but a year older. She did not stand a chance due to the tiny age difference. Helen, just in case you are reading this, you now know why I was not forthcoming. There was absolutely nothing wrong with you. It’s just what I saw while growing up.

People now “date” and marry wherever they find love, age notwithstanding. It is their lives. But I warn my married friends who are my age mates to flee from these young men with large appetite for older women. It is not just a question of infidelity, it will end up in sorrow and disaster. A friend usually patronized a solon where a young man was working. He kept complimenting and flattering her. When she told me, I told her to flee. “His job is to make your hair, not flatter you. I know women like compliments and flattery, but this one can only lead to disaster.” This is Africa. I do not want to digress further.

One phrase that caught my attention in David’s story is:  “being kept.” Is David a dog or some domestic animal? At 41, he was being “kept.” So many things went through my mind: Why will a 41-year-old man be kept and fed by a woman? I have read and heard that older women keep younger men mainly for their sexual prowess. But a lady I listened to on YouTube said an older lady can also end up with a three-minute 30-year-old man.

She said it is not mainly about sex; the love making knowledge of the man, whether he is selfless and takes the women into consideration, also matters.  Then she went on to something I have talked about a few times. Sex (Marital) is as much about the act itself as it is about communication. Do not assume; know exactly what your wife/husband wants. The lady also talked about companionship and the feeling rejuvenation among the older women. They feel young and youthful again; they can go clubbing and partying the way they used to do in their younger days, among other “benefits.” 

Anyway, my question is, if David was the breadwinner of the house, would she lock the door against him? Will he be referred to as being “kept” by the woman? The story reinforced my gospel to young people: for Christians, the bible is very clear on that. The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Under normal circumstances, your wife should not be the breadwinner, she is a helpmate, a supporter, someone who supplements at best. That was what I grew up to meet. That has been the tradition in many societies before Nigeria came to be.  

In some modern homes the wives earn more than the husbands. I do not have problems with that as long as the man earns a living. Sometimes the pendulum swings the way of women due to certain circumstances (the wife having a better paying job or business; also, ill health, loss of job retirement, etc., that affect the man). The one I can never understand and accept is an able-bodied man who has refused to do anything and turned the wife into a breadwinner. Even the bible does not tolerate that.   

The husband is the head of the house, but it is earned not with a penis and scrotal sack, but by being responsible and providing effective leadership. Effective leadership includes providing for your family.

A husband who is a good leader finds it easier to get the cooperation of his wife, not because he is the head of the house, but because the wife believes and buys into his leadership. I have not seen any marriage where the woman is the permanent breadwinner that has total peace, happiness and runs smoothly. It is not right for the woman to permanently be the breadwinner. If it happens because the man is incapacitated, fine, but not because he is lazy and laidback.

My guy, if that is how you are, anything and nonsense you see in your marriage, take it; you are no better than Esau who sold his birthright to Jacob. You can’t be strutting the house as the head of the house when your wife is housing, feeding, clothing you and picking up all the bills, wetin; you no get shame?

I encourage every man to work very hard to provide for the family. From my study of the way women are wired, they do not feel it is their primary duty to provide for their families. Even when they have money, they still feel it is the man’s duty to take care of the household. Do whatever it takes legally to take care of your family. If you fall, get up. Keep moving; explore, acquire new knowledge, learn new skills, just do whatever is legal to enable you play the role of a provider.

I am not saying it will be easy or happy all the time. It can be a thorny path with lots of frustration, near misses, humiliations and seeming hopelessness, but a man’s role as provider is a divine responsibility and I believe that at some point, God will create a way to enable you carry out the duty He has entrusted to you. Husbands must always remember that God created wives as helpmates and not to take over their husbands’ responsibility.

There’s no woman who will not love to see Paris and “die,” the ancient and modern of London, the German machine of Frankfurt and miracle of Berlin…the list is endless. Let us not start there; have a roof over your head, food on the table and put the children in school. The most obedient wife can rebel if the children are hungry or out of school. Sort out the basics and you can climb the ladder from there. It is not easy to be a husband and family man in Nigeria, but without the family, societies vanish, so we have no choice.

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