International Day For Tolerance

Today is the International Day for Tolerance. “The International Day for Tolerance is an annual observance day declared by the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) in 1995 to generate public awareness of the dangers of intolerance. It is observed on November 16” every year.

The key word in the above quote is “intolerance.” The opposite of intolerance is tolerance. I know you all know the meaning, but I will repeat it to make it sink in. one,  
“willingness to accept behaviour and beliefs that are different from your own, although you might not agree with or approve of them.” Two, “the ability to deal with something unpleasant or annoying, or to continue existing despite bad or difficult conditions.” Three, “capacity to endure pain or hardship.” If you situate these three definitions, you can understand the foundation of many marital problems today.

My main focus today is on marriage and the family. The first definition is
“willingness to accept behaviour and beliefs that are different from your own, although you might not agree with or approve of them.” During courtship, this is something every person should accept before going ahead into marriage. I said it previously that marriage is not an institution you go into with the intention to change your spouse after marriage to suit your desired specification. In marriage, as in most other aspects of life, you have the power to change only one person and that is you. It is not proper to tell your spouse to change what you knew before going into the marriage. That amounts to deceit. It amounts to shifting the goalpost after the match has started. Let the change, if any, come voluntarily from him/her.

In respect of children, it is easier to influence and mould them in the first 10 years of their lives. As they grow older, their personalities manifest and like cement mixed with water, they take shape and harden. Trying to remould them creates what the bible spoke against: “Do not drive your children to resentment.” As we discussed previously, every person is a combination of nature and nurture. You don’t tell your adult children how to live their lives. You simply advice, encourage, accommodate and learn to live with their beliefs and behaviours that are at variance with yours.

The second definition is, “the ability to deal with something unpleasant or annoying, or to continue existing despite bad or difficult conditions.” All marriages and families are familiar with this. Nothing annoys me like fake people or marriages. Many of us are in this business of marriage. We deal with the good, the bad and the ugly regularly. Why are some people making a fool of themselves. You pretend that marriage is a bed of roses. Even roses have prickles (shukushuku) and you can get pricked once in a while.  There is nothing wrong with your humanity, with all its faults and frailties, neither is there anything wrong with your marriage having good and bad days. You are human, not divine, and we all know. What is important is to strive daily to make your marriage and family life better and happier. Quit making a fool of yourself by living a lie.

The third definition is the “capacity to endure pain or hardship.” This third definition reminds me of some vows in marriage: “in sickness and in health,” and “for richer for poorer.” When many young people, especially young ladies, think about marriage, all they have in mind is bliss, glitz and glam. They forget about the absence of substance in glitz and glam and that is where the problem is. If only wishes were horses… Nobody wishes for it when going into marriage, but pain might come. There might be illnesses, bereavements, hard times and other negatives. No one wants them, but they happen. While you don’t pray for them, you should remember the other side of the coin. Some people shift uncomfortably like old women when dry bones are being discussed, when discussing the downsides of marriage and life, but I am a realist. I don’t run away from reality.

 Pain and hardship are real. Some families are currently going through tough times. Nigeria is going through a very bad patch. Some children are at home because parents cannot pay their school fees. I had advised such parents in a previous article to send their children to government-owned schools. But there is also hunger in many families. Unlike schools where parents can move their children to government-owned schools, there is no alternative for parents to deal with their hungry children.  Many parents are going through excruciating times seeing their children suffer. It is heartbreaking. I pray this cup will pass as soon as possible.

More than anytime, we need to cultivate the virtue of tolerance. It has become a sine qua non for modern day living. It goes way beyond the family. If you move around, tension and anger are palpable. I advise those around me to learn to walk away from potential trouble. For example, if someone rams into a vehicle in front of him, it is a no brainer who is at fault. But I have seen the vehicle driver behind blame the one in front because he stopped abruptly; that’s why the accident happened. That is crazy. In Nigeria a lot of the time, we love to settle road accidents at the least with shouting matches and at worst with fisticuffs. Please don’t. Abroad, motorists exchange insurance details and move on. This is because you dare not put your vehicle on the road without having in place a minimum of Motor (Third Party) Insurance to cover your liabilities to third parties in the event of an accident. The law is the same in Nigeria. I will go into details next Saturday or soon.

I watched some videos recently. In one of the them, a bus driver who was apprehended set a Lagos State Traffic Management Authority (LASTMA) official ablaze. The fire caught someone else who was almost crushed by a tanker driving at top speed. In Oyo State, officials of the state government in uniforms were beaten to pulp. In yet another video, a driver who was held by the Federal Road Safety Commission, stripped naked and stood on top of the bonnet of the FRSC van. An angry crowd had gathered. Recently, I read a bill in the House of Representatives to make FRSC officials bear arms. A capital NO to such a bill. The functions of FRSC does not necessitate them to bear arms. Uniformed personnel need tolerance in the exercise of their duties. Nigerians are going through a lot. They should exercise restraint and empathy. A little human face will help.

Finally, if you go to the prisons, there are more inmates awaiting trial than those who have been convicted. Either way, many of them would not have been there if there was tolerance. There are also people in the grave who would have been alive today if they were tolerant or those who killed them were. There would have been fewer divorcees and broken marriages with a little more tolerance. There are reasons many to be intolerant regularly, but let’s cancel the “in” at the beginning and be more tolerant. Have a fruitful International Day for Tolerance.

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