Wedding Vs Marriage

Wedding simply means a marriage ceremony. These are the rites/ceremonies before you formally become husband and wife. Marriage, on the other hand, is that institution God created “where a man leaves his parents and clings to his wife and they become one flesh.”

Dictionary has other definitions of marriage, but this is the one I practice. Wedding (Marriage ceremony) is distinct from marriage. Strictly speaking, “wedding ceremony” is tautology. Wedding or marriage ceremony is enough, but we keep seeing additions to the dictionary every day.

For a while now, social media have created many marriage counsellors. I thank God I was already married before the proliferation of social media and counselors. If you listen to some of them, you will beghe (become confused). For a while, I lost interest in writing about marriage on this column and concentrated on the family part, including the ways the society impacts on families.

But December is wedding season and even spills over to January. I have been watching some of these marriage ceremonies: the dance steps, the decorations, the splendour, fashion, expensive vehicles bringing the to-be couples to the venues, the wedding cakes, gift items, etc. One obvious fact is that they took time to plan the ceremonies. The dance steps were well choreographed. The couples engaged the services of event planners just to ensure that the less-than-a-day ceremony is a huge “success.”

I have no problem with any marriage ceremony, no matter how much was spent or how much efforts went in as long as you did not borrow money to do the wedding. Wedding is not a business and you have no business borrowing to do it.

Just do what is within your means. In my time, only wedding rings were compulsory items, so you could do a simple wedding with as little as N50,000 or less. These days, I learnt that some denominations dispense with rings, which is supposed to reduce the cost of the ceremony. But I also know that some couples spend as much as N50m or more on rings alone. It is their money. Everyone should just stay within their financial means.

My concern is that while so much money and time are being spent to prepare for the less than a day marriage ceremony, little or no efforts are being expended on preparing for the marriage that can last for sometimes 50 years? My friend’s parents just celebrated their 70^th wedding anniversary. During marriage classes for people preparing for marriage, I get pissed off sometimes.

Some participants come when the class is almost over just to show face and sign their attendance cards. If you refuse to be part of the shenanigans, you are a wicked man. Some will not show up at all. They will give their attendance cards to their spouses-to-be to sign for them. When it is time to sign the cards, you will see 30 cards; meanwhile, there are 25 participants.

I devised a way around it. I go round to sign the cards instead of the class representative bringing the cards for me to sign. If you do not know the enormity of the institution you are going into, that is your business, but I don’t want to be part of the reason why your marriage failed. The church that painstakingly designed the marriage courses knew what she was doing.

I said earlier that December is marriage season. People, especially the Igbos, come home to look for potential spouses. These days, it has become necessary to find out why some people are going into marriage. The first question is why do you want to get married? Some people just want their children to be born in a family setup. After they have their children, they are done with marriage.

Some go into marriage because their mates are getting married. Some marry as a cover up of their sexual orientation. These people are not my target today. The people I am addressing are those going into marriage for the purpose God created it; primarily companionship and procreation, God willing. Anybody going into marriage as a life time commitment should do his/her homework very well.

Even siblings who grew up under the same roof disagree, quarrel, fight and can become sworn enemies. You can then imagine planning to live with someone who grew up in another environment under different circumstances. The parties might or might even not have known each other. That is why I have always believed and I still do that the first port of call is to seek the face of God. He created the institution of marriage. He knows it is a slippery terrain and will give you the wisdom, patience, tolerance and whatever ingredients you need to succeed.

Here let me choose my words carefully.  External beauty is good, but internal beauty is more enduring. They say, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and I have no reason to dispute that, but I rate internal beauty higher. But unless you linger, you will not discover the internal beauty. I advise you marry a woman you will find attractive come rain, come sunshine. After 26 years of marriage, I can say that authoritatively. Growing older and weight gain have not changed the way I see my wife. Why should I ? Both of us have put on weight and grown older. I hear men give reason for wanting to divorce their wives as “I don’t find her attractive anymore. Where you under a spell?

There are other issues would-be couples must consider like compatibility, managing their differences, compatibility of core values or accepting the core values of the other party that differ from yours. Others are genotype and health status, healthy courtship, genuine friendship, openness about likes and dislikes and family involvement during courtship because after marriage, there should be no room for family involvement (interference) in your marriage. Marriage is like broth, too many cooks mess it up, etc. 

The marriage ceremony is always sweet. After the ceremony, everybody, including your family members, goes their separate ways. The decorator will no longer be there to keep your home sparkling. The caterers will not be there to keep cooking for you. The family and guests will not be there to keep you company. Just you and your spouse go into the room after the wedding to start your married life.

Like weather, marriage has many seasons. You can’t dress up in summer the way you dress during winter. You will die. When your wife gets pregnant, a new season has started. She might suffer early morning sickness. I remember my friend’s wife telling him she wants to eat akara (bean cake) at 11pm. Luckily, there was a joint where prostitutes hung out into the night. Of course, food sellers did the same thing. My very pious friend would risk being seen around the area and go and buy the akara, only for him to come back and the wife would say she has lost her appetite. She would now demand for something else.

Unlike most parts of the world that have only four seasons, marriage has many more seasons. We don’t have enough space to discuss all the seasons and I am not even competent to discuss all of them. I am just 26 years old in marriage. I told you earlier about my friend’s parents who celebrated their 70^th wedding anniversary. They have experienced more seasons I can only imagine. That is even if I know them. That is partly why marriage is very tasking.

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