Marriage Is Practical, Not Theory

I was at a wedding reception. When it was time for the groom to give a vote of thanks, instead of thanking his guests who left other important activities to celebrate with him and his new wife, he went into a lecture on marriage and self-adulation. Some of us were bemused, but the chairman waited patiently for him to finish before putting him in his place.

He told him to shut up: What do you know about marriage? You think it is running from pillar to post to get a reception venue and provide food and drinks for your guests?  We just finished your wedding (Marriage ceremony) and we are now at your reception. You are telling us marriage is not easy and praising yourself for taking the bold step into matrimony.

Married life starts hereafter. Have you lived with a pregnant wife and morning sickness? Have you bought diapers? Have you paid children’s school fees? The chairman went on and on.

Before I continue, let me make it clear that more labourers are needed in the vineyard as far as marriage literature, counselling, etc., are concerned, but your listeners/readers take you more serious if you speak from a lived experience. Marriage is practical. You can read all the books on marriage and acquire theoretical knowledge, but theory only brings maximum benefits when it’s put into practice. Not always though. Just like some spheres of life, there are some highly technical and specialist areas where we have professionals.

In all the cases I have seen, the companies’ board of directors filled those highly technical positions that need hands-on skills with people who have industry experience. Even professors in that field are not employed to fill the vacant positions. That does not mean that the professors are not good enough; they might even be more knowledgeable in theory, but the man who gets the job has the practical industry knowledge.

As has often been said, marriage is a school from where no one graduates. That is why you get your certificate at the commencement of your studies. I have no problem with unmarried people discussing marital issues. After all, some will get married someday.

Where I have issues are in these areas: One, the young man above who was about to resume in the school of marriage and wants to teach professors (those who have been in marriage for 20 to 40 years or more). These people they are trying to teach humbly tell you that after 30 years of marriage, they are still learning. Two, someone whose marriage collapsed in two years, is a marriage specialist and is teaching building a sustainable and long lasting marriage. You dropped out of school in primary two, yet you want to teach school leavers. What are the materials you want to use? Some will argue that materials from their failed marriage or materials from the western world devoted to and targeted at a different audience and culture? Okay, I heard you.

Three, people who are not married and have never been married, yet teach complex courses on marriage. Of course, I know you have experience from your parents, friends and family members’ marriages. If that is the case, do not speak with biblical finality. Even the bible is no longer the final word to some people because some Christians now question certain portions of the bible. Remember we live in an era of relativism.

Marriage is not pure science where the laws are universal. In western culture, people of same sex get married and either call each other partners or husband and wife. Do not ask me how they arrive at who is husband and who is wife. I do not know because I have not lived in that experience. But from what I read from those whose relationships are public, the person with more social status or money seem to be the husband. I am just hazarding a guess.

After over 20 years in marriage, I have a trailer load materials on marriage from lived experience, teaching, counselling, lives of others around me and materials I have gotten from other sources. My parents were happily married for 35 years before my father passed on. I saw at close range how they lived their lives happily. There were occasional tension and sulking, but the love and bond were evident. Today, if you tell me to give a talk on parenting, I take it happily because it is a lived experience. I wrote on it extensively in my book, Life Lessons from Mudipapa. I will also gladly talk about marriage 25 years after.

That my marriage is some months short of 25 years, will not deter me. But I will not accept to speak on the topic, life in your 60s and 70s. Though I have trailer load of materials, what do I tell a participant if he asks me how old I am? I am not 60 years yet.

If you also ask me to give a talk on coping with a wife in her post-menopausal age? I will decline because my wife is not there yet. All I know is what I read and what my female friends told me. One told me, “Francis, don’t you know that once you hit menopause, you can have mood swings and be erratic?” I also heard about a couple in their 60s. The man’s friend introduced him to (please let me check the correct spelling) aphrodisiac drugs. He did, got reinvigorated and started punishing his wife with regular sex and leaving her sore. I cannot talk about the whole topic, but I can advise the man that it takes longer for a woman of her age to be aroused and well lubricated before sex.

I will also advise him that since the wife does not take aphrodisiac drugs like him, they are no longer on the same wavelength and he should take it easy with her. Finally, I will remind him that sex is at least 30 per cent communication; talk with your wife. I have a lived experience there. Giving talks on any issue you have personal experience on sometimes is more effective.

If Dangote wants to give a talk on building and running a multibillion dollar empire, the whole venue will be filled up. But if I were to give such a talk, the hall will be empty. Even I, the speaker, will not show up to listen to the talk. You do not give what you do not have.

After almost 25 years, the marital institution still scares me. That is why, if you introduce me as a marriage expert, I correct you immediately. I am no expert; I am still working on my marriage. Marriage is a very slippery terrain. When I see newlyweds profess everlasting love for each other, I say, amen, but I also say to myself, “Let me hear the same thing 10 years on, then I will take you serious to some extent. Our “celebrities” get married, profess everlasting love and fidelity.

Before three  years (sometimes less), you read about cracks in the marriage, they unfollow each other on Instagram, allegations of infidelity start floating around, then they wash their dirty linen in public. Finally they file for divorce. We have seen 30 years, 40 years and even a 77 year-old-old marriage collapse. For me, marriage remains noble and good, but do not take anything for granted.

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