Wife Not For Let Or Lease

From time among the Urhobos and Isokos, it is seen as denigrating and dishonourable for a son-in-law or father-in-law to spend the night in your in-law’s house. Fathers-in-law could be tolerated, but it was a no-no for the son-in-law.

That was understandable in those days. People married within the same village or from neighbouring villages. When you visited an in-law, the proximity gave you enough time to go back to your house same day. But with inter-ethnic marriages and in-laws who live far apart, people are beginning to question this way of thinking.

Some say the practice is no longer feasible, while the hardliners maintain that it is a “taboo,” “denigrating,” and “dishonourable.” They would rather you stayed in the hotel rather than spend the night in your in-law’s house. The topic came up for discussion on a platform I belong to recently. At the end of the discussion, there was no consensus. The conservatives stuck to their guns while those you who felt the paradigm has been overtaken by modern realities also stuck to their guns.

 I never spent the night in my father-in-law’s house before he died. There was no need to because we lived less than 10 minutes apart in Uvwie LGA, Delta State, when he was alive. Moreover, I have my roots in Urhobo and Isoko ethnic groups, so this belief might unknowingly be inherently entrenched in me. Again, I would probably not have done it because Uvwie is an urban area and there are many hotels there. There was absolutely no reason for me to spend the night in my father-in-law’s house. 

On the other hand, my father-in-law stayed in my house only once. That was when I had my first child and their first grandchild. I suspect that my mother-in-law must have done a lot of convincing to make him make the trip. Maybe, the urge to see his grandchild was also overwhelming, but it was very edgy the moment he stepped into my sitting room. I will spare you the details, but the Urhobo man in him manifested in full measure.

He only calmed down a little when he realized that we were living in a three-bedroom flat. There were two vacant rooms and there was in no way they were going to inconvenience my wife and I. But thereafter, he never visited again until he died. Even my mother-in-law has not visited again. This first and only visit was in the late 90s! Like with my mother, we had to take the other children to Delta before they saw their new grandchildren.

I find some dignity in their disposition. I was not disappointed that they never visited subsequently. Even my mother scarcely does and some of those visits were enroute abroad. This disposition seems to have taken root in me. Sometime ago, I gathered my children and told them, especially my daughters, to marry spouses whose mothers would be available to do omugwo (that is, a wife leaving temporarily to go and stay with her children and take care of their newborn babies) because I will not “let” my wife to anybody. “None of you contributed to paying her N65 bride price, so she’s totally mine.”

When I made the pronouncement, my wife muttered that we did not discuss and agree on that before I informed my children, that we shall see when the time comes. That is unsettling. Not consulting your spouses before taking decisions on things that have to do with them is not good.

I have started thinking about the prospect of staying with a son-in-law now that the children are adults. I have older friends whose wives travelled abroad to do omugwo. Some stayed for six months. Only ill health has made me to stay for nine months abroad and witness the winter season. But my wife was with me. The other time I travelled without my wife for two weeks was almost 16 years ago to Chicago and that was because she just had our last child.

The prospect of living with a son-in-law pops up on in my mind because my wife and I can’t be separated for long. Now what if she insists on going to do omugwo? An older friend of mine recently gave his eldest daughter out in marriage. We share the same hardline position. No prize guessing correctly where he comes from.  I brought up this matter with him again: “how the matter go be now?” He maintained that his wife is not for let or lease. He added that any son-in-law who wants to rent his wife to do omugwo has to take him along and rent an Airbnb near his house for him to stay for the period. I laughed. I know he’s a considerate person. He might not want to saddle the young couple with such an expense. He might probably pay for one himself. The daughters live abroad.

After I left him, I started wondering how I would handle that? I am not there yet, but I like thinking ahead. If it’s within Nigeria, it’s a non-issue, but if they live abroad? My challenge goes beyond the paradigm of my people against spending the night in an in-law’s house. I love the peace of mind my home offers me. Anywhere I am, I also want to feel at home. I do not go to where I do not feel at home or I am unwanted. So, will I feel at home in a son-in-law’s house?

Idleness is not issue because I can work from anywhere. My wife can be taking care of baby and mother while I am busy with my stuff. My only other challenge is that I don’t want be in Europe or America during winter. That one I inadvertently experienced is enough for a life time. Secondly, unlike my friend, I will not spend a kobo of my money on Airbnb. So?

If our relationship has reached a stage where “in-law” is superfluous and the relationship is father and son, I will gladly stay with them while my wife does her omugwo. But if it’s some of these cocky sons-in-law who have no regards for parents-in-law, you will NEVER see me in your house unless you cross the Rubicon (I have zero tolerance for domestic violence.

It is a deal breaker for me). No one prays for such in-laws. That is why you should pray to God to send your children spouses He has specifically chosen for them. I will also not visit any of my sons whose wife has no respect for parents-in-law and family members. They “love” their husbands, but want nothing to do with their husband’s family. In all such cases, if they need my wife’s assistance, mother and baby have to stay with us until they are strong enough to go home. If not, no deal.

Marriage comes full cycle. One day, it will just be you and your spouse the way you started. Releasing your wife to do omugwo is a very huge sacrifice, especially for practicing monogamists, deserving of only in-laws who appreciate the sacrifice. I will not rent my pearl to a “swine.” We should pray for our sons and daughters as far as future spouses are concerned.

Finally, let’s interrogate every practice and custom. Some have been overtaken by events. Please do not allow archaic practices to hold you back. This is my position on visiting and staying briefly with sons-in-law.

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